I'm better than that.

I'm moving! And I'm so fucking excited. The place I've been residing since October is in the westside of LA pretty close to Venice. Nice neighborhood, spacious house...crazy landlord. Invasive, annoying and ridiculously crazy. Always texting me, "accidentally" opened my tax returns, constantly in house and a snake for $$. And the woman I've been sharing my bathroom with the last few months is rude, acts like the house is hers and constantly moving my shit. I can't wait to tell her and my landlord to go fuck themselves.

Feeling less anxiety about moving into an apt that's actually mine (well, shared with my boyfriend). But it was kinda scaring the shit out of me the last few weeks. Stress was rising and my anxiety had been worsening, though I do my best to hide it under a plethora of sarcasm and taking anger out on innocents. That's my biggest issue I still struggle with. Taking my anger out on people that have absolutely NOTHING to do with the initial problem. I'm done with blaming my lack of trust for people and lack of effort to make friendships or even enjoy my current relationship on my previous one. It last almost two years. It was filled with emotional, mental, verbal and physical abuse. At the time I could never admit it. Even a year later, I still couldn't say it was all that. But looking back at it, it was every bit of that. I [bascially] lived with him and his family for over a year. Trusted his mom more than mine, had love for his little sister as though she was mine and invested more time into his family than I did mine. After the first 6 months, problems arised. Cheating, insecurity, lies, crazed arguments turning into fights, police involvement, drugs and isolation from family friends and myself. Unfortunately, the cheating and lying was being done on me, but shit, I didn't give a fuck and still gave into it. We'd break up every week, he'd leave me for another girl and I'd crawl back to him the day after. I'd complain to my friends about him and then try to bring him along with us for a night out the next minute. We'd fight, I'd cry, he'd degrade me lower than hell and I'd love him the next day. He was my weakness, my funny bone, my first, my best friend. Eventually, I learned that he wasn't worth it. That no one would EVER be worth it. Worth that many tears, that much anger, that much saddness. Worth making me feel like I was a piece of shit and deserved nothing better. But it's that relationship that I struggle to move past and trust future friendships and enjoy my current relationship.

To make this clear, I wrote this blog to let other woman that they're not the only one going through this if you are, or have. Things DO get better. I've learned so much about myself and what my boundaries and standards are. I have an amazing boyfriend who gets me and I get him. At the end of the day, it's about trust, communication and respect. In any relation: work, friendship or love.

<3 D

can't write

Since I can remember I've kept journals, diaries, secret notebooks...call it what you want. But then people started to not trust me (for their own stupid reasons) and read them, to better find out who I was and what I was thinking. As if they couldn't just ask me and confront me. So I decided to start a blog where my thoughts are out in the open since I have shit to hide, plus I can't write fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. I often have so many thoughts that I like to share with people. Sharing it on facebook sounds like I'm complaining, twitter is dumb to share ideas and tumblr I use only to look at pictures.

I think the fact that people have read my diaries has greatly affected my desire for privacy. It's like I've "accepted the fact" that I'll never have privacy of anything. Hundreds of times I've pulled out a journal, opened it to a random page, and written the date. Nothing more, just the date. Maybe the word "I" or "today". Nothing comes out. It's definitely not writers block, its the fact that I fear someones going to read it. So fuck privacy, I made a blog.

So who am I? I'm a young, motivated, ambitious, down to earth, independent woman who likes to make videos/films blah blah blah. With a blog, I feel like I'm starting to take a step forward and getting comfortable with writing again, as I want to start writing more scripts/treatments. Well damn, that's about it for right now. Maybe I'll post 3 blogs/day, or none for a month. We'll see.

<3 D